Now just when I thought that my brother, Gizmo, was enjoying the quiet life and was beginning to acquire a taste for soft drinks, he once again besmirched the reputation of the Barking Bugle by going on a wild drinking spree in the Highlands of bonny Scotland! My brother, Indie, and I were both totally shocked and appalled in equal measure by his disgraceful antics. His taste for Scottish whisky is growing with each trip north of the border and his idea now of having a ‘wee dram’ involves regular, prolonged visits to the country’s many distilleries. In between he was also seen consuming copious amounts of amber nectar.
The after-effects of one such trip have got to be seen to be believed! His foul mouthed barking, lewd songs and ranting managed to get him into serious trouble in Inverary, where the local canines were very much offended by this drunken Sassenach. They woofed vociferously in disapproval and notified the local authorities, such was their utter shock and astonishment at what they were seeing. He was arrested and the next day in court he was given a life sentence in jail for a serious breach of the peace despite him pleading for mercy.
One of my heroes is Michael Schofield, the main character in the hit TV series ‘Prison Escape.’ I feel I possess some of his skills. I realised that this was the opportunity I had been waiting for to become the one and only Frodo Schofield! I had to concoct an ingenious method of escape – just my forte – and, together with Indie, we hatched the perfect plan. We were determined to break Gizmo out of prison. I know he steals my chunks from time to time when it’s feeding time and he can be exceedingly annoying but he is my brother after all!!!
We dressed Indie up, disguised as Cheryl Pupstar, and when the word got round that there was a huge celebrity in town the crowds soon began to flock to the area. Now I pretended to be Cheryl’s agent and I contacted the governor of Inverary jail and managed to get her permission to visit some of the prisoners, mainly due to my infinite charm and also because the governor himself is quite a fan of Cheryl’s. He thought this would be excellent publicity for the jail and arranged for her to receive the red carpet treatment. Now Indie has many skills but what amazed me was his ability to not only reinvent himself but to even bark out some of Cheryl’s hits in tune! No one would surely realise he was an imposter, would they?
Well, after wowing the crowds that had developed outside the prison and paying the governor some superficial compliments he went inside to meet some of the prisoners. Now, unbeknown to the guards, he had smuggled in a file that was hidden under his wig. Being such a huge celebrity he was allowed inside without a thorough search – he was patted down and his make-up bag was searched for drugs but fortunately no one checked his hair. Gizmo could not contain himself when he met him, instantly recognising him as his beloved brother and not the famous celebrity. He almost let the ‘dog out of the bag’ but managed to keep his emotions in check which is quite an achievement for him! Whilst the guards were distracted Indie managed to pass the file to Gizmo with the utmost stealth. After bidding him farewell and signing many autographs Cheryl Pupstar left the prison and, after carefully evading the pursuing papparazzi, made it out of Inverary in one piece. During several prison visits to see Gizmo myself I was able to follow his progress with the file. He had been using it to saw through the bars in his cell, and then hiding his handy work behind a huge poster of Cheryl Pupstar so the guards would not realise what he had been doing.
Finally the time had come for the daring escape! After my last visit to the jail Gizmo had told me that he had almost sawn through all the bars, and once out he was confident he could make it across the courtyard and then scale the external wall to freedom. It had taken him a while but one quality Gizmo definitely possesses is perseverance. He would leave under the cover of nightfall and we would be waiting outside the prison walls in our jet-propelled doggy stroller. Indie and I were waiting on tenterhooks and after several hours we spotted Gizmo clambering over the wall. Unfortunately he was spotted by one of the guards and soon the searchlights were switched on and the sirens became deafening. He jumped inside the stroller and we screeched away, desperate to make our escape by ferry. We reached the ferry in good time due to my infinite skill behind the wheel, and soon we found ourselves sailing away to freedom, much to our considerable relief.
Wow – what an adventure! That was a close shave! Gizmo is still on the wanted list north of the border but we are now in a safe hide-out as we speak. Gizmo has promised me he will tone down his lairy antics in future but I have my doubts! I feel certain that this will not be the last of his appalling escapades! Watch this space!